Porcelain Proximity

4.22.04

You know those little white caps on the bottom of toilet pedestals? What is the story with those things? I can't stand them. They're made to cover the screws that keep the toilet bolted to the floor, but they almost always come off, and then they never fit down on again. They just teeter on the tops of the screws and scatter onto the floor if you accidentally brush by them. Major design flaw. Sometimes they're gone altogether because whoever cleaned the toilet probably got tired of chasing them all around the bathroom floor.

I love when the toilet is out in the middle of the room. It never is, but that's where it belongs. The toilets in most of the houses we clean are inside water closets or WC's which are literally as big as a closet. In order to reach all the way around the bottom of the pedestal sometimes I end up practically hugging the bowl, with the lid closed of course. In some bathrooms you have to be a contortionist.

If house cleaners designed bathrooms the toilet would be up on a stage in the center of the room so you wouldn't have to jam yourself down into the corner just to clean the bottom of the pedestal. Maybe you'd have a curtain like a shower curtain that you could draw closed around you for privacy. Cleaning toilets that are crunched into a corner is a drag. You always end up with your face next to the bowl so you can reach the floor around the back of the toilet. This is because our arms come from our shoulders which are connected to our necks and really close to our faces. Whoever designs the little alcoves they jam the toilets into hasn't figured that out. Or they've never had to clean one before or they wouldn't put them there. This is how I learned that you always clean the toilet seat and bowl first. That way you can clean behind the toilet without risking getting completely grossed out.

A word about bidets. You know those shallow toilets that squirt up from the center? Another household fixture designed by a sadomasochist. Have any of these designers of this fancy stuff ever actually cleaned any of it? They're like the guy who designed the kitchen cabinets over the refrigerator, where you can never reach them and never use them.

Okay, so whoever designed this toilet-slash-fountain decided to place the faucet handles on top in such a way so that when you clean under them, you can't help but turn them. If you're cleaning at a fairly quick pace, one swipe and you might get a faceful of water. You really have to slow down and hold the handle so it won't turn and get you when you least expect it. I've been squirted in the face by the same bidet three weeks in a row. Do you think it's a sign to slow down?

I know one thing. Close your mouth when cleaning a bidet!