Porcelain Proximity
4.22.04
You know those little white caps on the bottom of toilet pedestals? What
is the story with those things? I can't stand them. They're made to cover
the screws that keep the toilet bolted to the floor, but they almost always
come off, and then they never fit down on again. They just teeter on the tops
of the screws and scatter onto the floor if you accidentally brush by them.
Major design flaw. Sometimes they're gone altogether because whoever cleaned
the toilet probably got tired of chasing them all around the bathroom floor.
I love when the toilet is out in the middle of the room. It never is, but
that's where it belongs. The toilets in most of the houses we clean are inside
water closets or WC's which are literally as big as a closet. In order to
reach all the way around the bottom of the pedestal sometimes I end up practically
hugging the bowl, with the lid closed of course. In some bathrooms you have
to be a contortionist.
If house cleaners designed bathrooms the toilet would be up on a stage in
the center of the room so you wouldn't have to jam yourself down into the
corner just to clean the bottom of the pedestal. Maybe you'd have a curtain
like a shower curtain that you could draw closed around you for privacy. Cleaning
toilets that are crunched into a corner is a drag. You always end up with
your face next to the bowl so you can reach the floor around the back of
the toilet. This is because our arms come from our shoulders which are connected
to our necks and really close to our faces. Whoever designs the little alcoves
they jam the toilets into hasn't figured that out. Or they've never had to
clean one before or they wouldn't put them there. This is how I learned that
you always clean the toilet seat and bowl first. That way you can clean behind
the toilet without risking getting completely grossed out.
A word about bidets. You know those shallow toilets that squirt up from
the center? Another household fixture designed by a sadomasochist. Have any
of these designers of this fancy stuff ever actually cleaned any of it? They're
like the guy who designed the kitchen cabinets over the refrigerator, where
you can never reach them and never use them.
Okay, so whoever designed this toilet-slash-fountain decided to place the
faucet handles on top in such a way so that when you clean under them, you
can't help but turn them. If you're cleaning at a fairly quick pace, one swipe
and you might get a faceful of water. You really have to slow down and hold
the handle so it won't turn and get you when you least expect it. I've been
squirted in the face by the same bidet three weeks in a row. Do you think
it's a sign to slow down?
I know one thing. Close your mouth when cleaning a bidet!
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